“Look at them all. These morons couldn’t lead a horse to water. They probably don’t even know what the hell a horse is. Watching Republicans debate is like watching a bunch of retarded cowboys wax fashion tips with one another. Tell your generation I said good luck.”
“What is it with your generation and partying? I don’t need to reset the calendar to get loose. Invite me next time. We’ll get them so drunk by the end of the night, they’ll think I’m twenty.”
“New year, same bottle.”
“Your grandfather apparently likes that Lady Gaggy now. Did you see the way she was singing last night on the television? She looked like she just rolled around in fabric like an asshole for twenty minutes and walked onstage. She had just better pray I don’t put my foot up her ass.”
“For God’s sake, Ross, change the channel! I’ve had it with football. All these idiots make it seem like throwing a ball suddenly makes you the king of Rome.”
“Sonofabitchnogoodrottenscoundrelofascotchbaby’swhoremother!”
“These bastards with the Club cards and their rewards program. I’ve been coming here for fifty years, and I didn’t get a reward. You know what I got? A card. To buy more crap with. Take it from me, kid- Anybody who offers you double ‘points’ on anything deserves a foot up the ass and a talking to.”
Dee (her daughter, my mom): “Mom, how much have you had to drink?”
Grandma: “Still not enough to deal with you.”
“The leash’s not enough. Get a muzzle, those things bite.”
“Everybody has one of those Apple laptops nowadays. It’s always iPhone this, iPod that… Well we didn’t have Apples growing up, but you know what we did have? More money. HAH! Now get me another scotch.”
